Blackmail
by where-my-heart-resides
Summary: DxHr. A war is about to be initiated between Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger. Because Hermione Granger saw something that she wasn't supposed to see. Hermione Granger has blackmail.
1. Chapter 1

**Blackmail**

Where-My-Heart-Resides

2/17/06

"Granger. Give it here!" Draco Malfoy shouted, sending a throbbing echo down the hall, and causing several heads to turn their way.

Hermione Granger just smirked, and twirled a glossy photograph in her fingers, before turning and gliding away gracefully, leaving a fuming Draco in the distance.

Oh! Hello there! I suppose you're wondering what's going on. Let me fill you in.

Draco Malfoy. Known mostly as a bad boy. Doesn't care about anyone's feelings, is witty and sarcastic. He's also known as a sex god, which isn't hard to believe, considering his smooth, white-blond hair that hangs gracefully into his silver eyes, which accent his extremely pale skin, with hard muscles blooming all over his body. He's mysterious and beautiful, and has that distinct 'don't mess with me' look.

Hermione Granger. Known COMPLETELY as a know it all. Is compassionate, sympathetic, and obedient. She has extremely bushy brown hair, rich chocolate brown eyes, the fullest lips you ever saw, and a perfect body, hidden under piles of clothes. She's short tempered and not mysterious in the slightest. All she ever does is study, and has that distinct 'teacher's pet' look to her.

What could these two POSSIBLY have in common? One thing. They hate each other. They can't be in the same room together without attempting homicide. That is the one single thing that they have in common. That, and the nightmare they both have about the man eating mutant bananas, but that's another story.

But life is about the change. It's about to get a WHOLE lot more interesting. Chaos will be hovering around every corner. Panic will be lurking in every corridor. Disorder will follow you like a shadow. A war is about to be initiated between Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy. Because Hermione Granger just saw something that she wasn't supposed to see. Hermione Granger has blackmail.

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DC: Not mine.

A/N: So, what do you think? Should I continue this? Let me know by REVIEWING!


	2. Chapter 2

**Blackmail**

Where-my-heart-resides

2/19/06

"No." Draco said flatly, a pink flush slowly creeping up his face.

The two of them were sitting on the couch in their common room. (A/N: Yeah, I forgot to mention it, but they're heads, and they share a common room and bathroom)

Hermione giggled. "Yes. Or the whole school sees this."

Draco huffed in annoyance as she pushed the slick photo in front of his face.

"Granger, you are AWFUL. What ever happened to 'good girl Granger'?" Draco asked, extremely frustrated with his situation.

"She decided she wanted a vacation. So, are you going to do it, or am I going to be forced to broadcast this?" Hermione smirked evilly, expressing her point further.

Draco heaved a sigh, and said "Fine. But read my lips mudblood. You will pay."

Hermione sat in silence for a beat. Draco took her silence as intimidation, and smirked, satisfied. However, after that moment, Hermione burst out laughing.

"Okay Malfoy. I will pay. But for now, let's have a little fun."

Draco blushed again, partially from frustration, but mostly it was embarrassment from what he was about to do.

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Snape was MAD. Practically breathing smoke kind of mad. His eyes were narrowed in a permanent glare, and had he not looked as he did, children may have scampered as he gazed at them. As is was, they just laughed, and walked away.

His teeth were clenched in fury. His face was nearly as red as his hair. Yes, you heard me correctly. Something had happened to Snape. He was currently dressed completely in pink, red and white. His formerly black, greasy hair was soft, clean, and horrifically red. And above him was a spinning read sign, with flashing lights.

It read: SNAPE. WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE? LOVE, DRACO.

Something about this had made Snape go INSANE. Currently, he was spinning is circles, flapping his arms, and yelling "Caw caw! You have to come now! That was the secret Malfoy call! Caw caw!"

Yep, he'd gone insane. However, unfortunately for him, Draco was walking down the corridor, talking to Pansy Parkinson. Draco caught sight of the giant ball of pink that was coming towards him at tops speed, and turned to run.

"DRACO BLOODY MALFOY!" Snape screamed.

Draco stopped in his tracks, and turned on his heel, looking utterly terrified.

"Yes professor?" He gulped out.

"My. Office. Now." Snape said, too angry to complete a sentence.

He strode over to Draco, grabbed his blond hair, and dragged him to the dungeons, Draco saying "Ow. Ow. Ow. OW!" the entire way. A few minutes later, Snape and Draco were sitting across from each other, Draco starting at the floor. Snape had calmed down considerably.

"Draco. Why? One: I had no idea that you were... playing for that team (Draco blushed crimson). Two: Valentine? It's the middle of OCTOBER! Why?" Snape asked, somehow maintaining his temper.

Draco stood and left the room after uttering only one word. "Blackmail."

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Hermione was sitting on the couch in the common room. She wasn't reading or doing homework. She was just sitting, taking in the heat of the fire. Suddenly, the portrait banged open. Draco walked in. He said not a word, just walked past Hermione, and into the bathroom. A moment later, the sound of the shower going filled the room.

Hermione made no notice of his entrance. She just kept staring into the fire. She did this often. Just sat and thought. About nothing in particular. However, right now, her thoughts were aimed towards a certain blond Slytherin...

After a while, the sound of the shower ceased. Not a moment later, the door banged open. Cologne scented steam escaped through the door, and Draco stepped out, wearing just a towel. Hermione looked up at him, and her jaw dropped.

His hair was dripping water onto his body, allowing the little drops of water to slide down his bare torso. He had six pack abs, and was quite muscular, considering how slender he was. His silver eyes glinted mischievously, and sparkled evilly. His skin was pale, but perfect. Not a blemish tainted his smooth, creamy complexion. It was easy to see why Hermione was shocked.

"Like what you see, mudblood?"Draco asked, a smirk falling upon his face.

Hermione closed her mouth, and tore her eyes from him. "No. Go put some clothes on, you foul creature."

Draco smirked wider. "Yes ma'am." He walked into his dorm, leaving Hermione sitting there, unbelieving.

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Later that night, Draco and Hermione were in the bathroom, at the sinks, brushing their teeth. (A/N: They share a bathroom. It has locks, but when they don't need their privacy, and are just brushing their teeth or something, they leave the door unlocked, and sometimes end up in there at the same time. Don't ask why.)

"Hermione, you are evil." Draco said.

Hermione pretended not the notice the fact that he used her name. "Yup." She smirked.

"Loser." Draco replied.

"Dork." Hermione argued back.

"Moron." Draco said, squirting some toothpaste into her hair.

"Bloody jerk." She replied, flinging water at him.

"Idiot." He said, chucking some white powder at her. (A/N: I don't know what the powder is, so don't ask.)

"Stupid." She said, hitting the back of his head.

And just like that, they were engaged in a fight, calling each other names, and throwing things at each other. After they stopped, all was silent for a moment. Then, Draco began to laugh. Hermione joined in, and soon they were rolling around in the mess that they had made, laughing their heads off. After they stopped that, all was silent again.

Hermione stood. "I got to go. To bed. In my room... yeah."

Draco grinned in spite of himself. "Yeah... me too." And with that, they separated.

But not before Hermione had the last word. "Can't wait to see what adventures blackmail brings tomorrow." She smirked, and skipped out of the room, filling Draco with dread of the next day.

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DC: Not mine.

A/N: So, how do you like it? I have something important to say. I have a bunch of stories that I'm into right now, and this is mostly just a fun one I'm doing. It probably won't be updated very regularly, UNLESS, I continue getting so many reviews. If you guys keep giving me that many reviews a chapter, I can have this updated once a week (hint, hint). Oh yeah, and you guys probably won't find out what the blackmail is until near the end of the story. It'll be a while.

Lovies,

Liz


	3. Chapter 3

**Blackmail**

where-my-heart-resides

3-3-06

Draco awoke the next morning and sighed as he got out of bed. He'd only had to do one thing that Hermione had ordered, and he was already exhausted.

He took a shower, and brushed out his blond hair. He left the bathroom, and strode into the common room. There was Hermione. He sighed again.

"Morning Granger." Wait, what was that? Did he just say good morning to HERMIONE!

"Good morning Malfoy." Hermione responded, making no signs that anything was out of the ordinary. "There's something I want for you to do today."

"Of course..." Draco sighed for the third time that morning.

"Ever sung karaoke?"

"... no..." Draco said, anxious for what was coming next.

"Congratulations, after today, you will have." Hermione smirked.

"... Crap..." Was all Draco could say as Hermione handed him the lyrics to a song, and dragged him off into her room to practice it.

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Harry and Ron were sitting at the Gryffindor (sp? I'm too lazy to go look it up...) table, waiting for Hermione.

"Where is she? She hasn't hung out with us at all since the year began... she's even started to miss meals and stuff. I guess being a head is harder than it looks." Ron pondered aloud.

But, as we all know, Hermione wasn't spending her time with head duties. She was spending her time with Draco. And Harry and Ron were about to find that out.

Dumbledore was gone, probably doing something for the ministry, so when they heard a voice coming from his seat, the entire hall turned in shock.

"Our very own Draco Malfoy has something that he would like to share with you all! So, open your ears for this delightful presentation!" Hermione said, smiling widely.

"HERMIONE?" Harry and Ron exclaimed in unison.

She smiled and waved at them, before turning and skipping off the stage. The lights dimmed, and Draco walked up to Dumbledore's chair, wearing black jeans and a sparkling black shirt that was gleaming in the light.

"I'd like to dedicate this to Hermione." He said, looking very, VERY cross.

Music started to play, and every muggle-born girl in the audience either began to scream in horror, or to squeal in delight.

"Baby it's the way you make me  
Kinda get me go crazy  
Never wanna stop  
It's gotta be you (uh huh, uh huh)" Draco sang.

Harry and Ron were gaping, paralyzed in shock.

"I can't control it anymore  
I've never felt like this before   
Mmm, you really make me lose my head  
My hungry heart must be fed (uh huh, uh huh)" He continued singing, smiling for some reason.

But it was probably because Harry and Ron had gotten over their shock, and were running at the stage, looking like they wanted to beat him up.

"Baby it's the way you make me  
Kinda get me go crazy  
Never wanna stop  
It's gotta be you (uh huh, uh huh)  
All the way   
It's gotta be you (uh huh, uh huh)  
Everyday  
I promise you I will be true, yeah  
It's only you" Draco was grinning from ear to ear, and was dancing oddly, thrusting his pelvic bone out, and making odd arm movements.

Harry and Ron were getting closer to him now, a look in their eyes like they were going to commit murder.

"Now I know why I was born  
You feel my feelings one by one   
Can't see the world I'm walking through  
Cuz baby I see only you, oh yeah  
Baby it's the way you make me  
Kinda get me go crazy  
Never wanna st- AAH!" Draco had now realized how close Harry and Ron were to him.

The music was still playing, but Draco had stopped singing. He was now running around, screaming like a little girl, and Harry and Ron chased him, with conjured pitchforks in hand.

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It was later that night, and Hermione and Draco were sitting on the common room couch, Hermione cleaning a particularly nasty cut that Draco had gotten on his face, courtesy of Ron.

"I hate you." Draco said angrily.

"I hate you more."

"This is gonna go on for a long time, isn't it?"

"Only if we keep it up."

"Then I say we quit."

"Fine." Hermione ended the conversation.

"That was horrifying, those two running at me, like a pair of apes." Draco commented lightly.

"But then again, we all know how much you love monkeys..." Hermione smirked knowingly.

"Shut up..." Draco scowled.

Hermione grinned, and leaned backwards, finished healing his face.

Suddenly, a pillow came flying at her face, Draco's hand guiding it.

She squealed, and grabbed a pillow as well.

And that is how we leave them for now, laughing as they have a pillow fight...

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DC: Not mine. The song's not mine either.

A/N: Okay, sorry for the long wait. I was on vacation without a computer. But it's updated now, and I hope you enjoyed it! I'm aiming for 14 reviews before I update again. R&R!


	4. Chapter 4

**Blackmail**

where-my-heart-resides

3-7-06

Snape simply couldn't forget Draco's words.

"Blackmail..." Snape muttered to himself, wondering. Suddenly, a memory hit him. Draco standing up on a podium, ready to sing, saying "This is dedicated to Hermione."

Why hadn't he figured it out earlier? The answer is so simple. The blackmailer is OBVIOUSLY Ron Weasley! He must be trying to make Draco look like a muggle-lover... And that whole gay thing, maybe Ron was trying to have Draco make a statement about homosexuality? Odd way of going about it, but since when has Ron been the smartest person in the world?

Ronald Weasley, you're going to pay... Snape marched from his office, red in the face, determined to kill that weasel!

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"WEASLY!" Snape screamed.

Ron darted into the hallway, and stood military style, hand at his forehead. "Sir, yes sir!" He chanted.

"WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?" Snape asked.

"Sir, I don't know what you're talking about, sir!" Ron said again.

"CUT IT OUT WITH THE SIRS!" Snape hollered.

"Okay." Ron nodded.

"Now what did you do to Draco Malfoy?"

"Nothing."

"Tell the truth."

"I am."

"Don't lie."

"I'M NOT!"

"SHUT UP!"

"NO!" Ron cried. But he had crossed the line.

Snape conjured a large pile of plates, and proceeded to throw them at Ron. Ron screamed loudly. But only for a moment, as he was soon knocked unconscious.

"Severus... What are you doing?" Dumbledore asked as he and Minerva rounded the corner.

"Severus! Stop!" Minerva cried.

Unfortunately for her, he had no more plates.

"MUST THROW THINGS AT WEASLEY!" Snape yelled. He picked up Minerva, and chucked her. She landed, screaming, a few yards away from the target (Ron). Snape looked around with ravenous eyes. Then, he spotted a poor, helpless first year.

"First year!.. BWAHAHAHAHA!" Snape chucked the first year, who landed along side Minerva. Snape continued to throw anybody who crossed his path. Half an hour later, there was a pile of 30 people and Snape came out of the trance. All was silent.

"... Lemon drop..?" Dumbledore asked.

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Hermione was sitting on the couch lazily. Draco, on the other hand, was on the floor, on his hands and knees. Hermione was currently using him as a foot rest. Why, nobody knows, because they had a REAL footrest. But apparently, Hermione didn't care.

"Can I stop now?" Draco muttered, as if in great pain.

"Okie dokie! All you had to do was ask!" Hermione exclaimed cheerfully.

She removed her feet. Draco let out a long sigh of frustration, before collapsing in a heap on the floor. Hermione was bored.

"Hey, Malfoy, read me this book!" She ordered.

"Okay Mistress Hermione..." Draco grumbled sarcastically. She tossed him the book lightly. He began to read.

"Once upon a time, there was an evil, EVIL princess who ordered the poor servant to do HORRIBLE things!" He exclaimed.

"Draco, that's not the right story! Do it right this time. Or else..." She muttered, showing him the back of the photograph. He caught a glimpse of purple, and didn't retort.

"Once upon a time, there was a princess. She wasn't really royalty, but she was beautiful. Every boy in the kingdom wanted her. But there was one boy who didn't just want her... he wanted her heart. He loved her more than anything. And this, the fact that somebody felt such a great love for her, this is what made her a princess." Draco looked to his right.

Hermione was sleeping, her breaths rising and falling softly and evenly. Watching her made him extremely tired as well. And soon, he had also drifted off.

Hermione awoke a few hours later. She was very comfortable. Somebody had give her a pillow... But why was it moving? She opened her eyes wearily, and nearly screamed. Her head wasn't resting on a pillow-- it was resting on Draco Malfoy's abdomen!

Oh no, what was she to do now? He was stirring... What to do? Pretend to be asleep was the solution. Only that didn't work out so well.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" Draco yelled, standing up. But standing up made Hermione go flying onto the floor.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" She screamed.

BANG.

Her head hit the floor. "...ouch..." was the last thing she said before she lost consciousness. Wow, lots of unconscious people in this chapter...

Hermione awoke, her head pounding, in an unfamiliar room. Somebody was dripping cool water onto her forehead, and her head seemed to be resting on an ice pack.

"Huh?" She grunted. Smooth, real smooth.

"Oh! You're awake." Draco said.

"Uh... yeah..." Yeah, that was even MORE smooth...

"Here, I'll get you some water." He said, going way out of character.

"No, I'll get it." Hermione said.

"No, don't get up! NO! DON'T STAND THERE!" He yelled. But it was too late. Hermione's foot landed in a large bucket of ice.

"Ah! Cold... COLD!" She yelled. But that's not the last of it. She couldn't get her foot out. So, she was hopping around, a bucket of ice on her foot.

"HOLD... STILL!" Draco yelled.

"COLD, COLD, COLD!" Hermione yelled back. Then she fell. Into Draco.

"Whoa!" Draco exclaimed.

"... Hello..." Hermione said guiltily, smiling meekly.

Draco scowled. "I said to hold still..." Hermione said nothing.

Draco picked her up, as if it were nothing, and carried her back over to the bed. He put her down, and bent down. He removed the bucket from her foot. He looked up at here, and ran a wet hand through his hair. Hermione lay back onto the bed.

"I'm so stupid..." She muttered.

Draco was silent for a moment, before his stood and said "Yep." as he strode from the room, smiling.

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Meanwhile:

Snape and Dumbledore were getting high on lemon drops.

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DC: Not mine.

A/N: Hi. Important announcement. Look, I have two other priority stories to keep up with, plus school work to do. And this story really has no lack of hits. So, I've made a decision. I updated this time, because I love my reviewers. But, I will NOT be updating again until I have a total of 50 REVIEWS. So, I need 12 more reviews. Which really does not seem like that much. Just click the 'review' button, and type in Good or Bad. I don't care. I just want reviews. So, until the number at the top of the screen reads 50, I will not be updating again. Sorry to all of my loyal reviewers! -dumps loads of cookies and other junk food on them-


	5. Chapter 5

**Blackmail**

where-my-heart-resides

3/18/06

A/N: This chapter isn't funny. Like at all. It made me sad. So I hope you still all review, cuz the next chapter will be funnier.

Hermione woke up with a pounding headache. She opened her eyes wearily, and started. This was NOT her room... And why was Malfoy lying on the floor next to the bed? Then the previous night's events popped back into her head (A/N: Ha ha, that sounds funny...). She groaned quietly, and sat up.

Blankets fell off her, and she realized that Malfoy must have put them on here while she was sleeping. She glanced down at Malfoy's clock, and jumped.

"Crap! We're late for class!"

"Huh?" Malfoy sat up quickly.

"We're late for class!" Hermione was panicking.

"Chill Hermione... Look, by this point class is probably nearly over. Why don't we just skip?" Malfoy said calmly. But there was nothing to be calm about.

"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? WE CAN'T _SKIP_ A CLASS!" Hermione yelled.

"Uh... yes we can?"

"No we can't."

"Yes we can."

"NO, we can't."

"Fine. Let's go." Draco grabbed Hermione's upper arm, and pulled her out of the room.

"STOP!" Hermione yelled.

"What now?"

"Look at us!"

Draco looked down. He was wearing a loose T-shirt and baggy sweatpants. Hermione was still wearing a sweatshirt and jeans from yesterday.

"Oh."

"'Oh' is right."

They separated and went to get dressed.

"_Chill Hermione..."_ Draco's voice was haunting Hermione. It wasn't mean. It was more of him being like a friend.

"Fine..." Hermione muttered to herself. She threw aside her school robes, and put her hair into a pony tail.

Draco walked out into the common room, disappointed that he wouldn't get a day off. Whatever happened to 'Good girl Granger' going on vacation? But, his jaw dropped when he saw Hermione. She wasn't carrying books, or even wearing her school robes. She had her hair tied up in a pony tail, and was wearing jeans and a maroon T-shirt... both of which actually FIT her.

"What? Are we going to break some rules, or are we just going to stand here?" She said a smirk spread across her face.

"Let's go." Draco said. He threw his books on the table, and threw his robes to the side of the room. (A/N: Yes, he IS wearing clothes under his robes...)

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"I kinda miss Hermione. I'm failing my year without her help!" Ron complained.

"Yeah. And where was she this morning? She didn't show up for class. And that's REALLY not Hermione..." Harry said.

"Wait a minute... is that her?" Ron said, completely flabbergasted.

Harry and Ron were walking down around the lake during their break. And there was Hermione, running, arm in arm, with Draco Malfoy. And they were... leaving campus? They were NOT allowed to do that, even as head boy and head girl.

"Oh. My. Bloody. Gosh." Ron and Hermione uttered at the same time.

And, she looked happy. When she was with the two of them she was always stressed out or angry at something or another. But she was with MALFOY, and she was smiling and laughing, looking more alive than she ever had.

"No way." Harry said.

"No way." Ron said.

"Yeah way." Ginny appeared behind the two of them. She was smiling very widely.

"Looks happy, doesn't she?" Ginny said happily.

"NO!" Harry and Ron cried at the same time.

Ginny expression got very dark. "Ruin this for her, and I'll kill you." She said, glaring at her brother. She turned to Harry (A/N: Oh yeah, in this story Ginny and Harry are going out). "And I'll castrate you."

Harry let out a small eep and laughed nervously. "Ha ha, what are you talking about... of course I'll be supportive."

"That's a good Harry!" Ginny joked, patting him on the head. She turned to Ron. But he wasn't there any longer. All they could see was a shock of orange hair, moving toward the direction that Hermione and Draco had disappeared in.

"... Crap..." Ginny and Harry said.

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"Heh, I hope we don't get caught." Draco laughed as he and Hermione collapsed into a seat at the Three Broomsticks.

"Me too..." Hermione grinned, out of breath from running.

"Crap. There's my father! We need to get out of here." Draco said suddenly.

"No way."

"No, Hermione, seriously, we need to get out of here." Draco pleaded.

"Stop giving in to whatever your father says. As a matter of fact, I'll show this picture to everybody in school if you don't sit here." Hermione said, using her blackmail technique once again.

Draco sighed and stayed put.

"Draco! What are you doing here... on a school day... with a mudblood?" Lucius caught sight of them.

Draco remained silent.

"Draco. Answer me!" Lucius had a glint in his eyes that Hermione didn't like. She suddenly wished that she had left when Draco had said to.

"I'm here, having something to drink. I'm here on a school day because I'm breaking the rules. I'm here with Hermione because... she's my friend." Draco sighed.

Lucius' expression became horribly evil at those words.

"Well Draco, say good bye to your 'friend'" Lucius said, as he grabbed Draco's arm roughly, and pulled him from the room.

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Hermione was not happy. Ron had shown up at the Three Broomsticks right after Draco had left, and yelled so stuff at her before dragging her back to school.

It had been hours, and she was still lying on the couch in the common room, waiting for Draco to come back.

Very late at night, Draco finally walked through the door.

"Granger... I thought you would have been in bed at this point." He said coolly, his head down.

"No, I've been waiting for you to come back."

"Well, I'm here. What do you want?"

"... Are you okay?"

Draco looked up. His face was bruised and battered, and he had blood running from a cut near his left eye. Hermione gasped.

"Yes, I'm okay." He said.

"No, you're not!" She cried.

"I'm fine."

"No, you aren't fine."

"I'M FINE. LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"NO!"

"Fine." Draco had an evil glint in his eyes now. He advanced upon her. And without a sound, he pressed his lips against her. A shock shivered through Hermione's body, but she didn't pull away.

_Click._

A light went off, as well as a small click. Draco pulled away, camera in hand.

"What was that?" Hermione asked, her voice very small.

She noticed that Draco's eyes were shining, as if he wanted to cry. But he answered her in a steady, firm, and cold voice.

"Blackmail."

And he fled from the room, leaving Hermione to cry herself to sleep...

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DC: Not mine.

A/N: Yeah, I told you it wasn't funny. At all. But I swear, funny stuff will come back in the next chapter. I promise. I want to thank you all. I asked for 12 reviews, and I got 19. I'm proud of you all! So, this week, I'm not going to update again until I'm at a total of 70 REVIEWS. So that's 13 reviews this week! R&R!


	6. Let the War Begin!

**Blackmail**

where-my-heart-resides

3/12/06

"Let the War Begin!"

Draco strode into the common room the next day, looking very upset. He has covered up his injuries with magic, and looked back to normal, except for the fact that he looked extremely distraught.

His hair was knotted and messy, his robes were wrinkled, his eyes were bloodshot, and he just stared at the ground. He looked up as he heard a noise coming from the couch. He supposed that Hermione would look as bad, if not worse than him. But oh, was he wrong.

The noise he had heard was Hermione, but he did NOT expect what he saw. There was Hermione, her poofy hair straightened, wearing make-up, jeans, a black tank top, and jumping up and down on the couch while listening to music (A/N: I terminated the no muggle stuff rule).

"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HERM- GRANGER?" Draco shouted.

Hermione turned around, startled. A smile spread across her face. "Good morning Malfoy."

"Uh... Good morning?"

"Let's get down to Business. I want that photograph."

"I want the photo you have of me."

"No."

"No to you as well."

"Fine then Malfoy. I only have four words for you. Let the war begin!" Hermione's eyes sparkled mischievously.

"Fine then." And this is how it started. The war over blackmail.

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DC: Not mine.

A/N: Yes, short. This is more of a filler chapter, because I won't be able to update again until next weekend. BUT, this chapter is more important than it looks. It is a new beginning. BWAHAHAHAHA! I'm not going to put a review amount on here, because the chapter is so short. But still, please R&R!


	7. Chapter 7

**Blackmail**

where-my-heart-resides

3/15/06

A/N: Before we get started today, I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Sora Nanashi, my 100th reviewer!

"AAAAAHHHHH!" Draco yelled. Currently, nine little first years were chasing him. He was on the third floor, and saw a window ahead. He'd have to jump. He opened the window, spread his arms out, jumped, and yelled "CATCH ME!"

Hagrid heard this from across the grounds, and came running. He caught Draco, but then 'accidentally' dropped him. "CATCH ME!" Draco yelled again.

Harry heard this, and (with prompts from Ginny of course) came running. He caught Draco, who melted, relieved into his arms. "Thank you!" He cried. Then, he opened his eyes. "EW! POTTER TOUCHED ME!" He said in the most innocent way. But this didn't sound innocent to anyone else. Chatter zoomed through everyone who was around about how "Harry Potter TOUCHED Draco Malfoy." Harry dropped Draco. Who hit the ground.

"OW!" Draco yelled, grabbing Harry's arm to try to get up. "EW! MALFOY TOUCHED ME!" Harry yelled, mimicking Draco. Chatter once again raced around.

"I hate you Potter."

"I would hate you except for the fact that Hermione's totally in love with you..." Harry mumbled.

Draco's eyes widened in shock. "I-is she?" He said.

Harry rolled him eyes. "No need to look so shocked. It's pretty obvious."

"Oh... crap." Draco said. Harry whirled around.

"What. Did. You. Do?" Harry asked slowly, as if talking to a young person.

"Uh... nothing?" Draco said, before getting up and racing off.

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"Hermione?" Draco asked as soon as him stepped in through the portrait hole.

"What do you want Malfoy?" She said icily.

"Well, first of all, I'd like to say that having the first years attack me was brilliant. And second of all, I'd like to call a truce. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Hermione stood, a scary look on her face.

"Yes... it was rather brilliant, wasn't it? And you didn't hurt me. And finally, why would I call this off? It's way too much fun. Besides, there's NO way that I'm giving up that photo." Her eyes glowed red.

Draco was filled with a sudden stubbornness. "Fine. But if you're going to play this way, I'm going to too."

"It isn't worth winning if you don't have to work to get it." Hermione said idly.

"What makes you think that you're going to win?" Draco asked, his ego getting the better of him.

"Let's put it this way. I spent seven years with Fred and George Weasley." She said, smirking lightly at him.

"Uh oh..." Draco mumbled to himself, as Hermione got up and walked into her bedroom, smiling deviously.

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Hermione awoke, covered in a sort of wet substance. She opened her eyes, to see that everything in her room was green and black. Completely covered in paint.

"Heh. Amateur. It's just paint." Hermione said. But oh, was she wrong.

SQUISH. She stepped in the colorful liquid. She made to move her foot, but she couldn't. It was stuck. She pulled and pulled and, guess what, pulled. Finally, it came loose. But now she had another problem. Getting into the bathroom. She looked up. She looked down. There was only one thing to do. She covered her hands in the stuff, and jumped as high as she could. Her finger tips brushed the top of the ceiling, and they stuck.

And then she began the very slow process of sticking and unsticking her hands, until she was near the bathroom door. Now she was faced with another problem. Getting down.

She put her feet on the ceiling, hoping to pry her hands off. And she did. But, she forgot one little detail. She still had the slime on her feet. So, she was stuck, hanging upside down from her ceiling.

"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYY!" She yelled.

Forgetting about the prank that he had pulled earlier, Draco came running into the room through the bathroom door, so that he was directly under her.

"Get. Me. DOWN!" Hermione commanded. He grabbed onto her hands, and pulled. She fell. On him. He fell backwards.

"NO!" He yelled as he fell down, covering his back in the goo. She fell on him, her feet and hands getting covered.

"I can't get up." She said.

Draco's body was nearly completely covered in the slime. "Neither can I."

It was then when Hermione noticed that Draco wasn't wearing a shirt. Probably just got out of the shower. "Ah!" She squealed, and jumped up, away from his body. She scampered off to the bathroom, as if the slime wasn't there.

As the door shut, Draco said "Wait! Hermione... what about me!" But it was too late. The shower was already going, and Draco was left there to wallow in his own... slime?

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DC: Not mine.

A/N: Hi. Yeah, I know, I said I wouldn't be able to update until the weekend. But, I got to 100 reviews, and I had some spare time. Yeah, still not very long, but I've been sitting for way too long. I need to get out of my house... lol. So, basically, if you don't get what's going on, or why they're pranking each other, it's because they're just going to make the other suffer until they give up their blackmail. But neither one of them want to surrender... so, this'll go on for a while... Now, I have a big favor to ask of all of you. Can you go to my profile, and go down to the "To be announced stories" section? There are three DxHr humor fics that I'm planning on doing, but I don't know which to do when. Anybody who votes will get a chapter dedicated to them! And not all at once either, each individual person get their own chapter dedication. Not much, but it's something. I guess. Okay, I want to be at 120 reviews before I update again!


	8. Chapter 8

**Blackmail**

where-my-heart-resides

(date)

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to emeraldwolfqueen, who gave me input on my three ideas for DxHr fics. Enjoy!

"Give it to me."

"No."

"Give it to me."

"No!"

"This is your last chance before I start playing dirty. Give it to me." Hermione was serious this time.

"Hmm... let me think. How about no." Draco tried to look calm, even though he knew that he should have surrendered. Hermione could be scary.

Yes, he finally managed to get out of the goo. But by that time, his skin was lightly stained green and black. He knew that Hermione hadn't helped him on purpose. And now she was going to get revenge... again.

"This'll be fun!" Hermione squealed, before skipping off to her room.

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"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! NO!" Draco yelled.

You see, balloons were... stalking him? What on earth...

He dove behind a corner. "Hopefully they won't find me here." He muttered into the dark.

Suddenly, he saw a dim light floating towards him. Come to think of it, all those little lights looked an awful lot like eyes...

"Draco... come with us. Be one with the balloons..." Voices whispered. Draco whimpered.

You see, Draco had this weird fear of balloons. He did NOT like them. Something probably happened in his childhood, but we won't go into that.

"Come Draco... Balloons are so sexy... You want to be sexy, don't you?" The balloons whispered.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH! NO!" Draco yelled again. He closed his eyes, and dove through the balloons.

He was running. Trying to lose the balloons. But they just wouldn't leave him alone. He caught sight of Hermione, reading a book, but obviously aware of what was happening, because she was smiling softly to herself, trying very hard not to laugh.

Draco passed her. "What did you do?" He panted. But he didn't stop. He just kept running. A few minutes later, he passed her again, coming from the other direction.

"Really! What did you do?" He yelled.

Hermione waited until he passed in front of her again. "Stalking balloons. Your worst nightmare. A product made by me, with the help of Fred and George Weasley." She smiled.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Draco screamed in response.

Hermione sighed. She took out her wand, and said a spell. The balloons popped with the sound of a large explosion.

However, somehow, Draco didn't realize, and kept running. And he didn't stop running around the school until dusk, when he realized that he could no longer breath.

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Hermione crept into the common room late at night. She had been planning more pranks for Malfoy.

Speaking of Malfoy, his bedroom door was slightly ajar. Hermione could hear him muttering furiously. "No! Balloons! Please don't EAT me! Noooo..." She could here him whisper.

She giggled softly, and turned to go to her own room.

"No! Hermione... please... please save me! They're gonna eat me... the balloons are gonna eat me..." Malfoy's voice echoed out into the common room. Then, Malfoy began to call out Hermione's name. Over and over again. She stood in shock for a moment. Then, she walked into his room. She knelt by his bed gently, began to whisper soft words.

Then she slapped him.

"WHERE'S THE FIRE?" Malfoy bolted up, looking frantic.

"Shut up. There is no fire. You were having a bad dream." Hermione said, and with that, she left the room.

"No fire? Okay. Good..." Malfoy fell back asleep quickly.

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_They were chasing her. Their giant, yellow hands, extended out towards her, groping the air for any sight of her. _

_She was running. As quickly as she could. "No..." She muttered. But they were still chasing her. The giant, man eating, mutant bananas. _

_She saw Draco up ahead. He was being chased by the bananas too. She opened her arms out wide, and he did the same. They embraced, knowing that they would soon meet their fate at the hands of the bananas. _

Hermione woke with a start. She was standing. He feet were on cold tile. And she had arms wrapped around her. She looked up. There was Malfoy, standing in front of her, his icy gray eyes open and staring into hers.

"Banana?" He asked.

"Um, no. I'm Hermione." She said.

"No. I meant, did you have a banana dream?" Draco asked.

"Yeah." She said, wondering how he knew.

"Me too." There we go, she thought. He knows because he gets them too. Then, suddenly, they realized that they were still hugging. They jumped apart, and departed to their own rooms without another word.

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DC: Not mine.

A/N: Hi. I got sick, and you guys gave me my 20 reviews, so I decided to update earlier than planned. I've decided that I'm going to reply to anonymous reviews as well. I want to be at 140 reviews before I update again. Oh yeah, and it's not too late! If you want a chapter dedicated to you, go to my profile page, go to "To be announced stories" and tell me in which order you want me to post them. It's really not that hard. This series will be up until Sunday, at which time I will count the votes, and then put up another three stories to vote on.

Anonymous Reviews:

Rose: I did! Yay!

RB: Aw! Your review made me smile so much. I'm sure that this isn't the BEST one that's out there. But, I'll admit, it's pretty good! I'm glad that you'll keep reading and reviewing!

Shout: Lol, I liked that line too.

scrivania: Thank you! I've updated, so I hope I get another review from you!


	9. Chapter 9

**Blackmail**

where-my-heart-resides

(enter date here)

A/N: This chapter is dedicated justamuggle, who also gave me input on my three story ideas.

Draco was watching her the next morning. She was sitting at the Gryffindor table, surrounded by her friends. She was laughing at something. And he realized that he missed the days when she would laugh at him.

"Drakie!" Pansy's annoying voice hit his ears.

"What?" He mumbled.

"What's wrong? You've been staring at that mudblood for a while now!" Pansy said, sounding very unconcerned.

"Me? Stare at a mudblood? Ew." He said, not believing his own words.

"Okay then!" Pansy said. And with that, she sat down on his lap.

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(A/N: This has nothing to do with anything. But I love Seamus. So I wanted to put him in the story.)

"What are you doing?" Hermione asked, laughing.

"I'm going to try to eat Dean!" Seamus declared.

"Um... no..." Dean said.

"Yes!" Seamus said. Then, he picked up Dean's hand, and shoved it into his mouth.

"Ew!" Hermione squealed.

"Deemm ases goo." Seamus slurred.

"What?" Harry asked.

Seamus removed Dean's hand (Thankfully for Dean, who looked like he wanted to puke) and repeated himself.

"Dean tastes good." At these words, Dean began to look very uncomfortable.

"No, I don't." He said.

"Yes you do. Haven't you ever tried to eat yourself?" Seamus asked. There was silence.

"So I guess that was only me..." Seamus muttered, unblushingly.

Hermione began to laugh, as did everyone else. When she got hold of herself, she looked across the room, and caught sight of Draco Malfoy, Pansy on his lap, staring straight at her.

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Hermione awoke the next morning, and stretched. She looked around her room briefly, searching for any traps that Malfoy may have set. After seeing that there were none visible to the naked eye, she got out of bed. She strode into the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. And then she screamed.

Draco came waltzing in casually at her cry of panic.

"What's wrong?" He asked, even though he knew what was wrong.

"M-my hair." She whispered, unbelieving.

"I see no problem with your hair." He said.

"No, no, there's a problem. How about the fact that it's GLOWING AND LIME GREEN? ISN'T THAT A BIT OF A PROBLEM?" She began to shout.

"Oh... I see now. Yes, there is a problem with your hair." Draco said, looking like he was enjoying her panic very much.

"FIX IT!" She yelled at him.

"Give me the photo." He said.

"No."

"Then your hair stays like that."

"Fine!" Hermione said angrily, and she ran out of the bathroom in a huff.

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Everyone was pointing and laughing as Hermione walked down the hall. However, she wasn't blushing, or crying, or anything. She was standing tall, smiling.

"What are you guys talking about? It's the new hot fad!" She'd say to anyone that asked her what she did to her hair.

But her hair was having weird effects on things. This morning, everything that surrounded her got a weird magnetic pull, attracting them to her head.

Then, she'd managed to make some lights flicker as she walked past them.

Then, she'd turned some color portraits into black and white ones. It was all too weird. But she would live with it. She sat down at the table for dinner that night. They just happened to be having chicken.

Suddenly, all the lights in the Great Hall dimmed. A disco ball descended from the ceiling, but no one knew where it came from. And then, all of the chickens in the hall stood up. And began to... dance?

Yes, they were, indeed dancing. Doing the disco, as a matter of fact. It really was quite an odd sight. Seeing a bunch of chickens doing the disco.

Draco and Hermione began to laugh, although everyone else was too weirded out to do anything.

But then, something bad happened. The chickens began to glow red. And they stopped dancing.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" A first year yelled as one of the chickens began to attack him. Soon, the hall was full of people screaming. Hermione, by this point, was partially scared, and partially extremely amused. But then she became very frightened. A chicken began to bear down on her, it's legs moving towards her. And just as it was about to attack, she felt a hand grab hers.

The person pulled her out of the hall. She didn't get a chance to see her 'hero' in the Great Hall, because there was mass chaos in there. But as soon as she got out into the corridor, she saw Draco Malfoy.

And the two of them began to laugh. Very, very hard. So hard, in fact, that there were tears streaming down their faces.

"I can't believe it! I had no idea that your hair could do that!" Draco choked out between laughs.

"Me neither!" Hermione said.

And they just kept laughing. Finally, they calmed down, and Hermione managed to say something.

"This means revenge!"

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DC: Not mine.

A/N: Yeah, it's not really funny. Sorry, I'm a bit out of it. I have a fever, and I'm still sick. Heck, I woke up at four this morning, hallucinating. I thought that I was part of this weird army, and that I was trying to hide this box that the other side wanted. I seriously thought that they were real, and that they were going to chop of my head. It was scary. I'm just lucky that my fever went down a little... But I'm still a little out of it. LAST CHANCE! If you want a chapter dedicated to you, go to my profile page, and find the 'To be announced' stories. Tell me what order you want them in, and then I'll dedicate a chapter to you. These three options WILL be taken down TOMORROW. After that, another three will be put up to vote on. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO GIVE INPUT!

Anonymous Reviews:

Chops, Pork: Aw, thanks! I'm glad you liked that chapter! I liked it too!

Siân: Yes! I love the randomness too!

RB: Nice to hear from you again! I'm glad that you liked the chapter!


	10. Chapter 10

Hi. I'm putting the author's note at the beginning of the story for this chapter. I'd like to apologize for the poor quality of the last chapter. You see, I have this stupid cancer thing (It's kind of confusing... I don't actually HAVE a tumor, but my body thinks that there's one) and I've been on this weird medicine to get rid of it for a few months now. The only problem is that it makes it so I get sick really easily. And unfortunately, my brother had strep throat, and my mom had the flu, so I got both. And I was REALLY out of it. As a matter of fact, I don't even remember WRITING the last chapter. But when I saw I had reviews, and I went and read them, I realized that I must have written something. So I went back and read it, and it SUCKED. I'm thinking of rewriting it now that my fever's gone down. Sorry for the long author's note! ON WITH THE STORY!

**Blackmail**

where-my-heart-resides

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to SiriuslyFunny because she gave me input on my three stories, and just because she rocks! Love ya Kiki!

The next day, Draco got out of bed wearily. He was deeply anticipating what was to come. He waltzed out into the common room, expecting to see Hermione. But she wasn't there. Instead, there was a short note resting on the couch.

_Malfoy-_

_I already went down to breakfast. See you there! ; )_

_-Hermione Granger_

Draco sighed. This was not good. Especially that little wink down at the bottom. Maybe he should just skip breakfast... But what if that was part of her plan! That he wouldn't come to breakfast, and something would happen to him out of the Great Hall. "Ha," Draco laughed to himself, "I outwitted you this time Hermione!"

He got dressed, after checking to make sure nothing was in his clothes, and walked down to breakfast. He sat down at his table, and looked around. Hermione was sitting with her friends, not looking at him. What was going on?

Malfoy was very confused by this point. As far as he could tell, Hermione wasn't going to do anything. But, like most times, he was very wrong.

He made it out of breakfast completely unharmed. So he must have been right. Hermione wasn't expecting for him to show up. He looked at his schedule, and saw that he had Quidditch practice. So, he would be surrounded by all his Slytherin classmates, and Hermione couldn't do anything to him. He smirked, satisfied,and headed out the door.

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Where was his broom? Draco kicked at the ground angrily. The rest of his team was up in the air, but his broom had 'mysteriously' disappeared. Stupid mudblood... So, he went out to get one of the cruddy school brooms.

He took off into the air, surprised at how smooth this broom flew. But then something happened that made him contradict himself.

The broom began to whistle. Loudly. The rest of the team stared at him. Suddenly, there was a bright poof of smoke. When it disappeared, he was wearing a... leotard? What?

But it was true. He was wearing a bright pink, skin tight, leotard, with a skirt around the waist. Half of the team started to laugh. The rest were too stupid to do anything.

Draco blushed, crimson pooling over his cheeks. He flew down to get changed. But it wasn't over yet. Just as he was about to hit ground, the broom took off into the sky.

It flew high into the air, spinning around, when all of a sudden, to Draco's horror, it burst into song.

"I'm a little tea pot, Short and stout, Here is my handle, Here is my spout!" The broomstick blurted out.

Draco's face turned even more red than it was before (if that's possible...). He only had one hope. To jump. So he did. He jumped off the broom, into the air. He was falling, going closer and closer to the ground. He was just about to hit the ground, when a giant pink parachute flew down and pulled him back onto the broom. Evil little mudblood! She was going to pay! Draco was forced to stay on the broom until the song ended.

He flew down, sparkles shooting out of the end of his broom. He jumped off, and walked away angrily.

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"GRANGER!" Draco yelled as he got into the common room.

"Yes?" Hermione smiled innocently.

"Why... won't... this... stupid... thing... come... off?" He questioned, furious, pulling desperately at the fabric between each word.

"Awww... what are you talking about? You look so pretty!" Hermione said.

"NO I DON'T!" Draco yelled.

"Fine then. Be that way. Give me the photo, and change my hair back, and I'll get that thing off of you." She said.

"No." Draco said, his teeth gritted.

"Fine! Have fun in that outfit!" Hermione squealed, delighted, as she strode from the common room.

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"What are you talking about? This is the hot new fad..." Draco said with a deadly glare at anybody who asked what he was wearing.

"Hey, Malfoy! Wait up!" Hermione called.

"What do you want?" Draco asked, extremely irritable.

"To ask if you've reconsidered." Hermione smiled sweetly.

"No, I have not." Draco said.

They pushed open the doors to the Great Hall, and their jaws dropped. (A/N: This is for you lilmissgullible! Thanks for the idea!)

Nearly every person in the Hall was wearing pink leotards, and had glowing green hair. Hermione and Draco looked at each other, looked back at the crowd, and gaped. Everyone in the hall turned in silence and looked at the newcomers. They continued to gawk.

One of the Ravenclaws spoke up. "What's wrong guys? You _said_ it was the new fad..."

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DC: Not mine.

A/N: Hi ya. I hope this chapter is better, considering that I'm mostly better... Okay guys. I took down the last three stories, and now I have another three up. This is an opportunity for all of you who didn't vote last time to vote this time! Just go to my profile, go to the "To be Announced Stories" section, and tell me what you think! I want to be at 180 reviews before I update again!

Anonymous Reviews:

my brains not thinking today: Yes, you do indeed get a chapter dedicated to you! Your will be chapter 13 I think. KEEP REVIEWING!


	11. Chapter 11

**Blackmail**

where-my-heart-resides

3/27/06

A/N: This is dedicated to flip chick. Because she gave me input on my three stories. And because she reviewed a lot of my other stories. You rock!

"Ah..." Draco sighed as he sank into the foamy water. He'd been so busy lately, he almost never got a chance to take baths, and had to settle for brief showers instead. It was nice to finally have some time to relax.

He began turning the different handles, letting the different colored bubbles fill the room. He laughed randomly. And couldn't stop. Nothing was really funny, but he was in hysterics. His eyes screamed shock, but he continued to laugh. Why couldn't he stop?

Half an hour later, he was still cracking up. Tears were running down his face, and his sides hurt really bad. But he couldn't stop laughing. He suddenly realized that it must be the bubbles that were doing it! Genius, isn't he? He tried to get out of the bath tub. And realized that his body couldn't rise above the bubbles. On his head was permitted to be in the air.

"H-H-HERMIONE!" He managed to laugh out. Then, taking after Draco and being a genius, Hermione came running into the bathroom. And stopped dead in her tracks. She suddenly realized the _small_ flaw in her brilliant plan. That when he called for her, and she came into stop it, he'd be... naked.

"Yes?" Hermione spit out, blushing furiously, her hair falling messily into her face.

"Please... please stop... please stop it!" Draco cried. And then Hermione realized the OTHER flaw in her plans. The only way to make it stop was to make the bubbles go away... which only she could do, because of the enchantment she had put on it... and the bubbles were the only thing between her and... him...

If possible, her face flushed even redder. "I-I-I" She stammered. Draco looked as if he were about to faint.

"Please! Can't... breathe!" He gasped. Hermione looked between him and the door, panicking. And then she did what any sensible girl would do. She darted out the door.

She ended up in the common room, her face still extremely red, embarrassed half to death about what had just happened. And then she realized something. It was strangely silent... the laughing had stopped. And with a feeling of dread bubbling in her stomach, she knew. He must have lost consciousness... which meant he was probably drowning... which was _not_ good.

She darted into the bathroom, temporarily forgetting Draco's... attire... And she was right. Draco had somehow managed to slip beneath the bubbles. She quickly vanished the bubbles, and pulled him from the water. There was no time to think about his lack of clothing.

And in a moment of pure desperation, she gave him CPR. As in mouth to mouth. No emotion passed through her body besides guilt and fear. And then, sputtering, he opened his eyes.

"Hermione. You came back." He said, sounding so cheesy that Hermione nearly laughed. And then, as if to ruin the moment, he let out one more laugh (Probably left over laughing gas from the bubbles...) and lay back in a dead faint.

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Draco awoke a moment later, and shivered as he felt cold tile against his bare skin... wait, bare skin? He stood up as quickly as he could, and felt a piece of cloth fall to his ankles. Then, he heard an anguished cry from in front of him. He blinked a couple of times, and looked down.

There was Hermione, her eyes buried in her hands, moaning "My mind... my poor, innocent mind."

He sat down next to her, completely forgetting that he was missing something. "You have an innocent mind?" He teased.

"PUT ON SOME CLOTHES!" Hermione wailed. Draco's pale face immediately turned bright red.

"That would be helpful..." He said as he got up and walked from the room, Hermione still mentally scarred from the previous images...

Draco walked into his room and began to get dressed. Suddenly, the recent activities swam across his mind, and he realized what had just happened. And in a split second, his embarrassment turned to anger.

"First she diminishes my pride, now she humiliates me! She will pay." Draco said. "Yes. Absolutely. We will make her pay."

"You know, talking to yourself is normal. It's only a problem when you answer..." His mirror muttered.

Draco chucked a shoe at it, breaking it. "She will PAY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He yelled again.

Hermione knocked on the door, and said "That was the worst evil laugh that I've ever heard."

But Draco didn't get angry at this comment. Oh no, Malfoy's didn't get angry. They got even. (A/N: Sorry for the cheesy line... I couldn't resist!)

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"AAAAAHHHHHH!" Draco was running around the school, screaming. Why, you may ask. Simple as this: Draco is stupid. Hermione is not.

You see, Draco had made a stupid mistake. He tried to get Hermione back. It didn't work. Apparently, Hermione had been afraid of monsters when she was little. Don't ask how Draco figured that one out. So, he figured that she'd be afraid to relive it. So, he had conjured up the scariest monster he could think of. That really wasn't that scary, but oh well. It was a giant green blob, with big, red eyes, and random teeth sticking out all over it.

And he had sent it after Hermione. It came slithering towards her, hissing evilly. She bent down, and said "That boy over there said you're ugly." The monster turned on it's... heel, I guess, and set out after Draco.

So now, he was running, in absolute terror, screaming almost as load as he had with the balloons. It was an odd sight, really. Watching Draco Malfoy, hair flying all over the place, screaming, as a giant green blob followed him.

"HERMIONE! HELP ME!" He screamed. Which wasn't good. Because Ron was there. And Ron was pissed that Hermione liked Draco.

So he began to chase Draco too. "MUST KILL!" Ron yelled. Hermione sat on the window sill a few stories up, and watched as twilight set in, the sun sinking below the horizon, as she listened to the mingled screams of "HERMIONE!" and "MUST KILL!" She laughed quietly to herself as she stared at the barely visible moon.

And as she laughed, a single tear ran down her cheek, as she wondered what would have happened if she hadn't told Draco to stay at the Three Broomsticks that day. A final scream of "AH! NO! HERMIONE!" Interrupted her thoughts, and she decided that _maybe_ she should go save Draco...

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DC: Not mine.

A/N: Hi ya. I'd like to thank you all for the IMMENSE amount of reviews that were submitted last chapter! I love you all! -glomps readers- I'll update again when I have 220 reviews! Oh, and I'm way sorry about the long wait. Fan fiction decided to be stupid and not except my documents until today. ALSO: If you like this story, you will surely like SiriuslyFunny's story _A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words._ It's a little bit deeper than this one, but it's still way funny. I highly recommend it.

Anonymous Reviews:

kahjit: Lol. Yes, it does indeed.

my brain is not thinking today: Lol. I will be sure to that in the chapter that is dedicated to you!

RB: Thank you!

anna: Lol. Yes, they are rather out of character, aren't they? But that's okay!

ferret love: I love you. Lol. Your review made me crack up. Thank you!

strawberries: Thank you!


	12. Chapter 12

**Blackmail**

where-my-heart-resides

4-2-06

A/N: This is dedicated to both ANNiEEx3 (for giving me input on my three stories) and BlackRoseOrchid (My 200th reviewer!) Because you guys are sharing a chapter, it'll be extra long!

It was the next day, and Hermione had finally decided to save Draco. He was exhausted from the previous day, and had just collapsed on the couch and fallen asleep.

"Malfoy." Hermione said, trying to wake Draco up. "Five more minutes mommy..." Draco muttered sleepily.

"Malfoy!" Hermione said, a bit louder. "Mommy, five more minutes. Please? I'll tell you where daddy keeps the dark arts stuff." Hermione wondered what kind of house Draco grew up in.

"MALFOY! GET UP!" She yelled in his ear.

_Smack._

"MOMMY! I SAID I WANTED FIVE MORE MINUTES!" Draco screamed, his eyes still closed. Hermione rubbed the spot where he had hit her. That was it. She didn't care whether he was asleep or not. _Nobody_ hits Hermione Granger and gets away with it.

She lifted her leg, and tried to kick him in the stomach. Which, as we probably have figured out, since nothing is _that_ easy in this story, was a mistake. He grabbed her foot. She wobbled, trying to find balance on one leg. She began thrashing around, trying to get her leg back.

"Draco bloody Malfoy. Give me my leg back. Or else." She instructed his unconscious form. He stirred, then sat up. But, somehow, he was still asleep.

"MY LEG!" He screamed. Yes, still asleep.

"NO, THAT'S MY LEG!" Hermione yelled back. Draco strengthened his hold on her leg.

"MINE!" He yelled.

"Draco Malfoy. Stop behaving like a three year old, and give me my leg back!" She ordered him. He broke into hysterical sobs. Wow, he sleeps through anything.

"N-no! It's m-m-mine!" He stuttered. Hermione sighed. How was she going to get him up? That's when Dumbledore climbed through the portrait. He stopped dead in his tracks.

"What's wrong Albus?" Minerva's voice floated out from behind him.

"Yes, Dumbledore, what is going on?" Snape drawled. Dumbledore's eyes held a twinkle, indicating that he was totally misreading the situation.

"I think that we're interrupting something..." He said softly. Hermione's face immediately turned bright red. Ah! This so cannot be happening!

"N-no, Professor. I was just trying to wake Malfoy up. Could you help me?" She said, her voice quivering with embarrassment.

"Ah, yes. It does look like you've gone and gotten yourself into a spot of trouble." He said, although his eyes were still sparkling. He walked over, and realized that Malfoy's body was shaking.

"Mr. Malfoy?" Dumbledore questioned. Draco lifted his face from the pillow, and started cracking up.

"YOU WERE AWAKE!" Hermione yelped. Draco didn't reply, he just kept laughing. That is until he got a face full of Hermione's foot.

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Owowowowowowowowowowowowow!" He yelled as Hermione continued to kick him.

"Ms. Granger! That is enough!" McGonagall (Sp? I'm too lazy to look it up...) yelped. Hermione stopped.

"Pain..." Draco moaned. No one paid attention to him.

"Now, we're her for a reason. We're going to have a school ball. And you two are going to organize it!" Dumbledore said, smiling, for he knew that this would result in chaos.

_Oh! Cool!_ Hermione thought.

_Oh crap..._ Draco though.

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"What'll our theme colors be?" Hermione asked, extremely excited.

"Powder blue and black." Draco muttered from a corner of the room. He was pureblood, as we all know, and had attended many balls in the past. Those two colors looked really nice together. If you organize it right.

"Oh! That's sounds great!" Hermione squealed. Since when had Draco become an interior designer?

"We'll have free dress, so they don't have to wear blue and black. It's more fun that way." Draco said. Really, the truth was, that he wanted to see Hermione look the way she had back in fourth year. And if everybody was wearing the same colors, it might make her look less special.

"That's what I was thinking!" Hermione was bouncing up and down.

"I think that we're done for today." Draco said. And before waiting for her reply, he rose, and strode from the room.

He may have sounded cold, but really, he was planning the next prank he was going to pull on Hermione. He _needed_ that picture she had of him. He hated the fact that she had something on him. Or, at least, that's what he told himself. The real reason was that he couldn't stand that the picture was the only thing that was making them be together. He wanted to see if she would still talk to him if blackmail didn't exist.

Okay, it was time for him to admit it. Somehow, he had gotten a crush on bushy haired, figure-less, teacher's pet, Hermione Granger.

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DC: Not mine.

A/N: Okay, yeah, I said that it was gonna be extra long, but, I lied. I'm sorry, I thought it was a good ending, and I had a really crappy week. I'm not really in the mood to write something really funny. Ugh, seriously, my week sucked. I failed math, I found out that two of my three best friends are moving away, and one of my best guy friends tries to stab himself to death at school. Not exactly fun, walking into a room, to see your friend lying in a pool of his own blood. So now he's been shipped off to the hospital. And from there, it's to the funny farm! So, yeah, not exactly my idea of a perfect week... but I updated, because I love you guys! Reviews make me feel good inside, and I really need it this week, so _please_ review! I wanna be at 250 before I update again!

Anonymous Reviews:

dont-have-a-nick-name: Lol, I'm glad you liked it that much!

maisie lee: I'm glad you like the story, and to tell you the truth, it's not really that hard. You just imagine the stupidest, weirdest idea possible, and make it come to life!

Anna: ... ... ... don't go guessing my plot on me... ... ... you're wrong (thank goodness), but you better not come back here, guessing the right thing! Lol.

caffinated cheerleader: I'm am! Continuing... I'll never stop! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

RB: Did you really? I'm glad, Kiki's a really great author. Oh yeah, and I'd also like to thank you for your ever coming reviews! I know how hard it is to keep up with stories without an account (trust me, I did it for three months before I finally gave in and made an account.) and I really appreciate it! I always look forward to your reviews.


	13. Chapter 13

**Blackmail**

where-my-heart-resides

A/N: Hehehehe... Please don't hate me. I lost my list of dedications. So, this is going to be for all of you. If you voted and haven't gotten a chapter yet, PM me, and I'll make a new list. Sorry!!!

Hermione sighed as she ate breakfast with Ginny the next morning. As hard as she try, she couldn't focus on the conversation that they were having. Her thoughts kept drifting back to Draco Malfoy. And, although she didn't realize it, along with her thoughts, her eyes shifted towards him as well.

"HERMIONE!" Ginny snapped her fingers beneath Hermione's face. Hermione jerked out of her stupor, and a blush rose across her face.

(A/N: Okay, this _actually_ happened to me. It was hilarious.)

"So, you and Malfoy are in an oven." Ginny said. Hermione looked at her strangely. Ginny continued.

"So the way I see it, you and Malfoy frozen burritos. You've both been put in an oven that's set for five minutes. Get it?" Ginny asked.

"... No." Hermione answered. Ginny sighed.

"This is no ORDINARY oven. This is a LOVE OVEN!!!! So, the two of you are in love, but you don't know it yet. When the five minute timer goes off, you'll realize your true feelings!" Ginny exclaimed.

Ginny had gone mental, Hermione decided. "I'm _not_ in love with Malfoy. Nor is there a timer, a burrito, or an oven." She stood and strode from the table.

"Maybe I was wrong." Ginny mumbled to herself. "Maybe the timer's already gone off."

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(A/N: This happened to me too! Minus the magic, of course.)

"I cannot _believe_ this!" Hermione yelled.

"Shhh..." Draco said.

"Grrrr..." Ron growled from outside the door. The door began to jerk violently, and Hermione and Draco had to push up against it to keep it closed.

You see, Hermione had been in the process of pulling a prank on Draco, when Ron had come running her way, an evil glint in his eyes. She began to run, Ron close on her heels. She passed Draco and ordered him to run as well. They had somehow made it to the Room of Requirement, which had turned into an _extremely_ small bathroom. So here they were, hiding from a certain demise.

"We need to send for help!" Draco whispered, hoping for something to show up. A giant, wooden parrot showed up.

"Well _that_ didn't work!" Hermione exclaimed. Draco had a mystified expression on his face.

"No... Don't you see? It's a sacrifice! And the the red... it's blood! Because it's a sacrifice, you know."

What was WRONG with these people? First Ginny, now Malfoy?

"No. Malfoy. I do not think that the parrot is a sacrifice." Hermione said slowly. Draco nodded.

"You're right. We need help. We need something to go get help!" He yelled. A giant puff ball showed up on the ground.

"PUFFY!!!!" Draco squealed. He bent down and pushed the puff ball through the crack in the bottom of the door. He smiled up at Hermione. "He's gonna go get help."

What is he on? Hermione wondered.

They waited and waited. Eventually, Draco went even more insane.

"THE PARROT IS STARING AT ME!!!!" He screamed. He put toilet paper over it's eyes. He sighed in relief.

Now the question had changed from 'What is he on?' to 'Where can I get some?'

Although neither of them realized it, Ron had stopped trying to get in.

"Hermione... psst... Hermione! There's only one escape now. LOOFAHS!!!" Draco said. Hermione's head was beginning to hurt. (A/N: If you don't know what a loofah is, I hate you. They are the best invention ever created by mankind.)

"I want a loofah. I want a loofah!" Draco said. And all of a sudden, there it was. A giant loofah with a duck's head on it.

"LOOFAH! GO FETCH GWENDAL AND WOLFRAM FOR ME!!!! They will come and be all "Bam! Pow!" And they will kick Ron's arse!!!" (A/N: You don't know who Gwendal or Wolfram are. If you did, you'd get why it was so funny.)

"Yeah! Run loofah! We need help! Help us loofah!!!" Hermione wailed. They had both gone insane. They waited. The loofah did nothing.

"I HATE YOU, YOU STUPID LOOFAH!!!" Draco screamed. He grabbed it and chucked it against the wall.

"Hey.. Malfoy... Does it seem quiet in here to you?" Hermione opened the door. Ron was gone. They both took a large gulp of fresh air, and a look of shock ran over Malfoy's face as he looked around.

"Hermione... Why are we here? And why is there a giant muggle contraption?" He asked. Hermione just laughed.

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DC: Not mine.

A/N: Okay, I know, super weird. But no kidding, that actually happened to me. It was soooo funny. We were high, and we hadn't taken any drugs. We're just weird like that. Lol. I'm soooo sorry I haven't updated in so long. I've been super busy with spring break and other problems (see previous chapter's author note). I totally lost all inspiration. I was literally brain dead. Sorry.

Anonymous Reviews:

DemonDaughter: It's called reading the author's note.

anna: Okay. I wouldn't want you to go guessing my plot!!!

Nini's a crazy girl: You know, I may just use that. And I may just dedicate a chapter for you, because you made me laugh. And I needed that.

Jessi: I'll never stop!!!

RB: You can get on FF. net at school? It's blocked over here.

anon.: All the author's notes in this chapter were just for you!!!


	14. Chapter 14

**Blackmail**

Where-my-heart-resides

4-03-07

A/N: Yep. You thought right. Yep, it's been almost exactly a year since I stopped. And yet... I preserver! Blackmail is back. With me as the author. I couldn't just let it go... So here I am. Enjoy!

_Rockabye baby, in a treetop, when the wind blows, the cradle will rock... _The gentle song swept through Draco's mind as he dreamed. He was swinging back in forth, letting comfort and drowsiness drown him. And then there was... laughter?

"OH MY GOD!" He screamed as he woke up. He was in the Great Hall. Wearing a pink bonnet. And swinging about. In a pink cradle. As if that was bad enough...

"DRACO MALFOY, I KNOW YOU LOVE ME, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!" Snape wailed from beside him. Wait... beside him? Malfoy spun around. There was Snape, dressed identically to himself, and sitting there looking pissed. But no! That couldn't be it. There had to be more.

"Draco and Snape, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage!" sang their cradle. Wait, what? Oh god. The cradle was singing. About him and Snape. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

Draco peered over the edge of the cradle. Below him was Hermione, who would have been staring at him had she not been laughing so hard. _You're going to get it, Granger. You're going to get it._ He thought, smirking.

"WHY ARE YOU SMILING YOU DAMN IDIOT?!" Snape cried in emotional agony. He stood, pointing his finger at the boy. "IT'S NOT FUNNY. BLOODY MORON, STOP PUBLICLY DISPLAYING YOUR LOVE FOR M- AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The last part was echoed by Draco as the cradle tipped, thrown out of balance by Snape.

Draco wrapped his legs around the cradle to prevent himself from falling. He suddenly found himself drowning in a mess of fabric as his skirt fell above his head. WAIT, SKIRT?! A hush brushed through the Great Hall. An anguished cry from Harry started the laughter back up again. Draco was confused. His boxers weren't _that_ horrifying. They were just gray... Nothing special. Unless... Hermione... Oh no. He pushed the skirt away from his face and moved his head so that he could see his lower half. He wasn't wearing boxers at all. He was wearing girl panties. With... "I Love Harry Potter" written all over them... And little stick figure drawings of Harry crawling all over... everywhere. Draco flinched. Then he screamed.

Unfortunately for him, he does not have the ability to scream and hold himself up at the same time. Down, down, down he fell. He screamed. The people below him screamed. The teachers (who had been ignoring the problem until now) screamed. The little Harry's on his underwear screamed. Seamus moved in under were Malfoy was falling.

BAM. Draco landed in Seamus' arms. Seamus smiled, opened his mouth wide, and shoved Draco's hand in his mouth. His face twisted in disgust.

"Malfoy tastes icky!" He cried. He ran off, leaving the Great Hall in silence.

"Lemon drop, lemon drops are oh so pretty, they make me oh so happy, you should try one too!" Dumbledore danced around the Great Hall, throwing lemon drops about. The kids looked around, shrugged, and began eating the lemon drops.

"STOP! STOP IT!" McGonagall screamed. Nobody listened. "Oh, what the hell." She shrugged as she popped a couple of them herself.

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DC: Not mine, as usual.

A/N: I'm sorry. I know I let you all down by quitting this story. But... I'm back. It's true, guys. I got inspiration. Lots of it. Blackmail is back, and should be around for quite a while. That is... if you review. :) I know there are bunches of you who still have this on alert, so review:) Ideas and constructive criticism are always welcome.


	15. Chapter 15

**Blackmail**

where-my-heart-resides

8/8/07

Dedication:

hes not his fathers son

because they pushed me to update ;) I have the best intentions you know, but occasionally I just need a little push. Thanks!

Draco Malfoy was mortified. No matter what he did, Hermione always seemed to be outsmarting him. He needed something brilliant... Something foolproof... Something that Hermione Granger feared... Draco Malfoy needed something. But he had _no_ idea what it was.

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She watched him as he was sleeping. He had drifted off in the room of requirement, where the two of them had been doing homework. She thought silently about how cute he looked. How harmless. She laughed at herself a bit. It was funny how she had fallen for the one person that she couldn't stand. He groaned softly in his sleep. A smirk came over her face. She had an idea.

"Umph!" Malfoy grunted as Hermione jumped on top of him. "What do you want, Dobby? Didn't you get enough of me last night?" He mumbled, still half asleep. Hermione's face contorted with disgust and confusion, but she quickly regained composure and leaned down next to his ear.

"Draco..." She whispered, trying to sound as sexy as possible. "Draco baby... Wake up..." She felt him stir beneath her. "Draco..." She crooned. His eyes shot open and suddenly his icy gray eyes were peering right back into her brown ones.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" He screamed as he stood suddenly. Hermione went flying backwards towards the fire. _Oh no_ Draco thought to himself, _there's no way I'll be able to reach her in time to save her. I need a hero!_

BAM!

Time froze. Hermione paused in mid-air, and music started playing. _Doo doo doo doooo __Doo doo doo doooo Doo doo doo doooo Aaahhh __Aaahhh..._ It started. Draco looked around in confusion. And then, with another loud bang, Harry was standing in front of him, wearing a superwoman costume. Harry looked at Draco, then to Hermione. He opened his mouth to say something that Draco assumed would have consisted of "WHAT THE HELL?!" but instead, all Draco heard was: _I need a hero,_

_I'm holding out for a hero 'till the morning light, He's gotta be sure, And it's gotta be soon, And he's gotta be larger than life... Larger than life!_

Now it was Draco's turn to say "WHAT THE HELL?!"

Harry looked at him, shrugged, and said "You have no idea how many times I get pulled down here. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GODDAMN HERO?!" He whined. Draco looked at him, amazed, and then remembered something; Hermione. "

"SAVE HER YOU MORON!" Draco screamed.

"No need to get all mean about it..." Harry complained. He snapped his fingers, and with that, time unfroze and Hermione was once again hurling towards the fire. Harry ran, fake boobs bouncing in his tight little superwoman costume, and caught her.

Hermione was far from grateful. "I need Harry to be gone." she said, and he disappeared. Then she turned to Draco. "... Why didn't you just say you needed the fire to be gone? THE IMAGES WILL BE BURNED IN MY MIND FOREVER!" She yelled.

"Shut up." He said icily. He turned on his heel and headed out of the room. She humiliated him in front of his friends, she humiliated him in front of his teachers, and now she's even humiliated him while he was trying to save her.

He'd said it before but never meant it more than at that moment; Draco Malfoy was going to get revenge.

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DC: Not mine, as always.

A/N: R&R, guys!


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